Two wheels, no brain

Attention all druggies: If you’re on a bike, and cops are in a police car….you aren’t going to get away. You might as well surrender right away and avoid an extra charge.

That lesson comes to us courtesy of a Niagara Falls man. Police say he was acting suspiciously when an officer spotted him on his bike around 2:15 a.m. (when police are suspicious of anyone on the street….there’s another lesson for you). The cop asked the guy to stop….but he kept pedaling…..the officer chased him for a while….he jumped off the bike….and the cop collared him in an alley.

So in addition to the drug charge, the guy is also charged with resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He will not be entering the Tour de France.

A little anger management goes a long way

I want to pass along a very important lesson in jealous rampage etiquette. Ramming your truck into a car after finding out your girlfriend was with another guy is a bad idea. Ramming your truck into two police cars is a REALLY BAD IDEA.

While it might get you into a country song....it can also get you in a lot of trouble. It got a Chautauqua County man arrested….and shot by the cops.

Jamestown police say the guy was bent out of shape after finding out his girlfriend had been at a bar with another man. And who wouldn’t be? But dude….police cars? Cops tend to get a little upset over things like this. Police say after the guy rammed the second cruiser, he just kept going…so one of the officers fired a shot, which hit the guy in the hand. He ended up in the hospital….and is charged with reckless endangerment and DWI. (Okay, you just knew he had to be drunk, didn’t you?)

A really cheesy crime

Okay, this one has all the elements of a great story. A stupid criminal, drunk driving, and Velveeta!

The star of the story is a shoplifting suspect from Niagara Falls. He is accused of stealing a couple blocks of Velveeta cheese from a Wilson Farms store. Why would someone do that? I can understand having a desperate need to feed your family….but in this case, that does not appear to be the reason. Not when the guy is pulled over and charged with felony DWI.

Oh and by the way, he’s also charged with running a red light. Memo to shoplifters: stealing is certainly a crime….but in this case it was just petit larceny. Drive carefully when you leave….the traffic charges are a lot worse.

Oh shoot!

Question: If you’re experiencing road rage and you decide to pull out a gun….what do you do next?
A) Wave it around in a threatening manner
B) Shoot the other driver
C) Shoot yourself

A driver in Lancaster chose “C”….and as a result ended up in surgery at ECMC.

This thing went down like a scene from a Will Ferrell movie. Police think it started when one driver cut someone else off….then there was a chase….then there was a confrontation....then one guy pulled out a gun….then another guy punched that guy….then the guy with the gun fell backwards, the gun goes off, and he ends up with a bullet in the leg.

No word yet on charges. Fortunately for him, stupidity and clumsiness are not against the law.

Can someone tell me how to spell “sorry”?

To the surprise of no one, the Patrick Kane cabbie case has ended with a plea deal. Call it a slapshot on the wrist.

Today the hockey star and his cousin pleaded guilty to a non-criminal charge of disorderly conduct. They were both ordered to send a written apology to the cab driver who accused them of roughing him up in a dispute over 20 cents a few weeks ago. An apology note. What’s the matter, couldn’t he have been ordered to write “I will not beat up men old enough to be my grandfather” 100 times on a blackboard?

I do hope it’s more sincere than his non-apology apology after he was arrested.

Before you think he got off light, he does also have to pay $125 in court fees. His legal fees to his high-priced lawyer, Paul Cambria, are sure to be more in line with Kane’s $875,000 salary.

Kane says it’s time to put this behind him….and since there are no criminal charges, the case probably won’t keep him off the Olympic hockey team. But I can’t wait to see how fans in places like Philadelphia treat him this season. I think they’ll be a little tougher on him than the legal system.

As for people here in his hometown, Skunkposter Christie Weber got the street beat.

Hey, I just thought of something…..since hockey players are more familiar with crosscheck than spellcheck, if there are any mistakes in the note does that mean the deal’s off?

Viva la Diva

What's a diva? Chances are you know one. Skunkposter Christie Weber went to the Diva show at the fair looking for answers....and divas.

Stupid criminals hall of fame

If there was an Olympics for stupid criminals, we would have a gold medal winner.

Let make this clear…..in no way am I trying to help criminals succeed in their dirty deeds….but I think it’s very important to pass along the lesson learned by a Rochester man who’s under arrest for bank robbery. When you give the teller a note demanding cash, MAKE SURE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS ARE NOT ON IT!

Yes, we have a real master criminal here. The guy wrote his holdup note on the back of a TRAFFIC TICKET he had recently received. It contained his name, his address…even his date of birth.

But the dude might actually have gotten away with it despite his stupidity except that he’s also clumsy. You see, while running away from the bank, he dropped the money! He did manage to pick up most of the loot….but not the note. So when police arrived on the scene….being the highly-trained investigators they are….one of them picked up the note and said “hmmmmmm, I think this is a clue”. Needless to say, this was a fairly easy arrest to make.

At least he didn’t crash into a police car while making his getaway.

Sex in the City

Now this might attract people to downtown Buffalo!

It seems there’s this new hotel in New York City that overlooks an elevated park....but the people in the park are getting a much better view than the guests in the hotel. That’s because the hotel rooms have floor-to-ceiling windows….and the guests aren’t very shy. A lot of them are doing the nasty right in front of the window….in plain view of folks in park.

Needless to say, a number of people in the neighborhood are outraged over this lack of decorum. But just as many people think it’s great. One guy says it’s just like watching Wild Kingdom…except of course he’s watching people have sex instead of baboons.

The hotel says it will try to remind guests that the windows do have curtains on them. But when the place opened, they made this one of their big attractions….they even asked guests to share their pictures.

By the way, the hotel received an award from a New York arts society for the best new building erected last year. Yes, it was quite an erection.

Mind your manners!

There’s rude, and then there’s RUDE. If you interrupt people, that’s rude. Hitting them and attacking them with a knife is RUDE. It can also get you arrested.

That’s what happened in Lockport. A man told police he was just having a conversation with friends when this other guy kept interrupting him. Naturally, he told the dude to mind his own business. That didn’t go over very well. The alleged victim told the cops the guy went all Rambo on him…hitting him seven times in the face and cutting his arm with a knife.

Mr. Bad Manners is charged with assault and menacing….and when he gets out of jail, we’re pretty sure he won’t be invited to any neighborhood parties.

You can bank on it

Some habits are hard to break. Smoking, drinking, hoping the Bills will be good. Apparently we can add bank robbery to the list.

A Buffalo man who spent nearly three years behind bars for robbing four banks in Kenmore and Tonawanda is going back to jail for robbing another bank….that’s right, in Kenmore. But at least he was only convicted of one robbery…..that’s good news for the guy, considering he was also accused of two other bank jobs. And yes, they were both in Ken-Ton as well. He could get up to seven years in prison when he’s sentenced in October.

Now we realize banks like loyal customers….loyal robbers, not so much.

Driving while stupid

Our “dumb druggie of the day” story comes to us from Niagara County…..and as an added bonus, it’s a two-fer!

Let me make it clear once again….I am not condoning nor supporting the use of illegal drugs. But I do support the concept of NOT BEING AN IDIOT.

If you’re gonna drive around with pot in the car….you might want to make sure you actually do have a driver’s license. The other night, sheriff’s deputies pulled a car over just before 2:00 a.m. (when police tend to be extra suspicious of any car on the road). According to the cops, the 19-year-old driver didn’t have a license (it was suspended) but did have pot under the seat. Now the bonus part….deputies say there were also five cold bottles of beer….and they say the 18-year-old passenger said they belonged to him. Good move!

So the driver is charged with marijuana possession, driving without a license, and failure to keep right (which, btw, is something you probably want to do when you’re driving around at two a.m. with no license and pot in your car). The passenger is charged with unlawful alcohol possession. And sheriff’s deputies are eternally grateful for stupid people.

Albany lunacy

Okay, I’m really annoyed with the New York State Senate. It has given pay raises to about 50 members of its staff. Some of those raises are more than $10,000 a year!

Didn’t the state have a hiring freeze earlier this year because of the budget mess? Didn’t the state decide to charge us new fees and taxes because of the budget mess? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?

Whose idea was this? Never mind the fact that a whole bunch of senators had to approve it….some idiot had to propose the idea in the first place. One of our elected officials had to say to his fellow senators “Hey guys, I think we should give our staffers raises. I know we’ve been screwing the taxpayers, but our staffers deserve more money.”

Let’s not forget, taxpayers are already facing an increase because the state pension plan tanked when the stock market tanked, and we have to make up for the shortfall. My 401k went into the toilet too, but no one is bailing me out.

You may recall, just yesterday a new poll came out that showed more than half the voters in New York want to throw everyone out of state government and start over. (See the post directly beneath this one) I said yesterday that voters have short memories, and the next election isn’t until a year from November. But I guess we can always count on Albany to keep the anger alive.

Political poll dancing

This just in….New Yorkers don’t think very highly of state government.

There’s a new Siena Research Institute poll out today, and 54% of the voters surveyed believe state political leaders have less integrity and work ethic than politicians of the past. So here’s my question….why do ONLY 54% feel that way? Hello? Have we forgotten what’s been happening in Albany this year?

Let’s recap some of the highlights of the last few months at the Capitol:
*Budget fiasco
*Republican coup
*Democratic re-coup
*Tom Golisano plays Bigfoot
*Taxpayers get screwed

The same number….54%....wish they could throw the bums out and start over. But before you get your hopes up and think this poll means change is coming…a little history. Voters usually have short memory. A few years ago, when Erie County was in its budget mess, county residents said they were outraged at the county legislature. A bunch of legislators chickened out and decided not to run for re-election. But every incumbent who did run, was re-elected. And the next state election is more than a year away.

But on the other hand, we are talking about Albany….so there will probably be plenty of opportunities for state lawmakers to keep the voters angry.

Cruise Night: the video!

I know, I looked great in the pictures from Shredd & Ragan Cruise Night....but you really need to see the video to get an idea of just how big a hit I really was. Skunkposter Christie Weber was there for the ride.

Lots of clunkers, where's the cash?

So the Obama administration said today it’s ending the “cash for clunkers” program on Monday. The government says it’s been a big hit. That depends on who you talk to.

Fact: The program was designed to help sell cars
Fact: It did do that
Opinion, based on fact: It could have been a lot better

A bunch of car dealers here in Western New York and around the country have already dropped out of the program, because they don’t have their money yet. They sold the cars…they made the deals….they gave buyers the big discounts…they submitted their paperwork to Washington….but the check isn’t even in the mail yet.

The government did acknowledge there was a problem….and hired a lot more people to help process the paperwork. But here’s my question? Why did it take so long? Wouldn’t you think they would know what to expect going in and be ready for it? Wouldn’t you think when they went through nearly A BILLION DOLLARS IN THE FIRST WEEK someone in Washington would have stood up and said “ummm, guys….we can’t handle this. Help!”

Don’t get me wrong….anything the government can do to help the economy is a good thing. But get it right.

I hope they do better on health care.

Cruising cruise night

Forget the cars, I was the hottest thing at Shredd and Ragan Cruise Night at Dunn Tire Raceway Park.

Roadkill?

Dude, you're standing next to a Skunk. Smile!

Which one is the brake?

Burning rubber

Too bad everyone was too chicken to race me. So I just might retire undefeated. If you want to see more of my pictures, check out my Facebook page.

Give this tattoo artist the brush off

So there’s this warning about a tattoo artist in Chautauqua County. Health officials say it would be a really good idea if anyone who recently got a tattoo from a guy named Kenneth Paul Fenti in Jamestown can come forward so they can be tested for some pretty bad things. Like HIV and hepatitis.

That’s because authorities say Fenti used a homemade tattoo gun that was made out of a BATTERY OPERATED TOOTHBRUSH.

Now I’ve never gotten a tattoo....it really wouldn’t show up very well through the fur….but it does seem to me that when you do let someone stick a needle into your skin you’d want to make sure everything is perfectly safe….and if the guy whips out this type of contraption I’d say thanks but no thanks. A toothbrush! I mean, do you go to proctologist who uses a Black and Decker power drill? Or a hair stylist who uses a weed wacker?

Fenti is charged with violating the county’s health code. Apparently it’s tough to get a tattoo permit when you make Edward Scissorhands look safe.

So far, no one has tested positive for any disease as a result of this….and hopefully no one will. But they have tested positive for stupidity.

We're sorry but we have to indict you

So how sorry is Patrick Kane today? You may recall, earlier this week the hockey star from South Buffalo issued a very nice non-apology apology after he and his cousin were arrested for allegedly roughing up a 62 year old cabbie over 20 cents.

Today the Kanes were indicted by an Erie County grand jury. But only on misdemeanor charges…not a felony robbery charge. So I suppose he doesn’t have to be too sorry. Besides, all signs point toward a plea deal….the odds of Kane actually being convicted and going to jail are about the same as the odds of Max Afinogenov getting TO’s key to the city.

According to the district attorney, the fact that Kane is a celebrity has nothing to do with the possibility of a plea deal. Yeah, right. Just like the fact that he can afford high-priced, high-profile attorney Paul Cambria has nothing to do with it.

However the case turns out, Kane has already lost out in the court of public opinion. For that, we are sure he’s sorry.

A crash course

So if you’re driving, and something falls in the car, unless it’s a cup of scalding hot coffee that landed in your crotch it’s usually a good idea to pull over before you try to reach for whatever fell. Especially if you happen to be driving near a couple of police cars. Just ask a driver in Orchard Park.

Police say a driver who told them he was reaching for something that fell managed to hit not one, but two police cars on Southwestern Boulevard. Both of them, by the way, were IN THE OPPOSITE LANE.

Police say a Blasdell police officer in one of the cruisers hit his head in the collision. The officers in the other car weren’t hurt. All three cars were pretty banged up.

Mr. Demolition Derby is charged with failure to keep right and imprudent speed. I would not like to be his insurance agent today.

We're number 41!

If you’ve had to look for a job in Buffalo, you know it’s tough here. It would be easy to think it’s harder here than anyplace else in America.

Well, here’s good news. We’re not the worst! We’re close….we’re low on the list…but we aren’t at the bottom.

The job search site indeed.com has ranked the country’s 50 most populous cities on their ratio of job postings to unemployed people. We’re 41st, with a ratio of six unemployed people for every posting. That’s bad….but not as bad as places like Los Angeles (eight to one) or Miami (10 to one) or….no surprise here….Detroit (18 to one).

In case you’re wondering, Washington is at the top of the list. And how sad is this? Washington and Jacksonville are the only cities with more job postings than unemployed people.

So if you’re thinking of packing up and heading out of town to find that next job, remember this….sometimes those greener pastures are full of cow dung.

Chick magnets at City Hall

If you think politicians are a bunch of dumb clucks, this may reinforce that opinion.

Mayor Byron Brown has made it official….the chickens can come home to roost in Buffalo. The mayor signed a law which lets city residents raise chickens. But before you turn into Old MacDonald, be aware….there are strict rules to follow.

Among the restrictions….you can only have up to five hens....roosters are a cock-a-doodle-don’t….and if your neighbors say no, the city says no to your application for a permit. And forget a roadside stand or amateur butcher shop….you CANNOT sell meat or eggs.

Even with the restrictions, a lot of city residents are squawking about the idea. Opponents say chickens are noisy and they smell. On the other hand, that describes a lot of people I’ve lived near.

Who says city government doesn’t tackle the important issues?

Webcam wackiness

Okay kids, it’s time to play crime and punishment. If you rob a bank, you should go to jail. If you kill someone, you should go to jail for a long time. So what if you fake a suicide online, and make people think you’ve killed yourself? I vote for the death penalty.

That’s what a Lockport man is accused of doing. State police say the guy faked his suicide while he was in a chatroom with people in England. According to authorities, he said he was depressed about a relationship, and was going to slit his wrists…then he stopped chatting, and stopped moving.

Needless to say, the other chatters got more than a little concerned. They alerted authorities in England…who alerted authorities in Washington….who alerted the state police in Albany….who alerted state police in Lockport….who went to the guy’s house only to find him alive. He said he fell asleep on camera. Right.

Apparently the relationship depression thing may actually be true….police think a breakup with a girlfriend led to the incident. I’m thinking she’s pretty glad she’s out of that relationship.

A sorry apology

Have you noticed how when professional athletes get arrested they apologize without really apologizing? Buffalo’s Patrick Kane is the latest example.

Today the Chicago Blackhawks star commented for the first time about his arrest last week here in Buffalo. You remember that one….the 20 year old and his cousin were arrested for allegedly roughing up a 62 year old cabbie over 20 cents.

Kane says because the legal proceedings are pending he can’t discuss the details of the incident. But he says he put himself “in the wrong position at the wrong time” and caused a lot of pain for his family, his hometown, and hockey fans….and for that he says “I sincerely apologize”.

In other words, he’s sorry he got arrested. He’ll be sorrier if a grand jury decides to indict him….we should find that out this week. He’ll be even sorrier if this keeps him from playing on the US Olympic team.

In addition to his non-apology apology, Kane also said “Now it’s time for me to move forward”. That would be a good idea, but unfortunately it’s not up to him…and for that, he probably is very sorry.

Not fun! Wow!

Let’s face it, if people could be arrested for stupidity our jails would be a lot more crowded. But sometimes you have to be grateful for a criminal’s stupidity.

A Niagara County sex offender is back in jail after being accused of violating his parole by GOING TO FANTASY ISLAND. His probation officer says he spotted the guy there.

As just about everyone on the planet knows, sex offenders are supposed to stay away from places where children gather. Places like amusement parks. So this guy was pretty bold. If a sex offender is bold and clever, that’s dangerous. Bold and stupid usually gets them busted. Let’s hope stupid wins out.

Buffalo: city of good eaters

So the folks at Esquire magazine must think Western New Yorkers burp and fart a lot. Which we do….but two of the reasons for that are also reasons for us to be proud.

Esquire likes to come out with lists of the best restaurants. Usually, the places on those lists are fancy-schmancy….you know, the ones that charge you $17 dollars for a piece of lettuce. But now Esquire has a list we can relate to. The best fast food in America. And we have not one, but two local institutions on the list.

Ted’s Hot Dogs and Mighty Taco both got rave reviews from the top chefs who came up with the list. Hearing the news filled my heart with pride. Or maybe that was the heartburn from a Super Mighty.

So the next time you visit one of them, and over-indulge, and as a result contribute some greenhouse gases to the environment, and your buddies give you a hard time….just tell them you’re helping to spread the word about the latest reason to take pride in our hometown.

Fashion Fair

"Bare" spotted in park

If you’re going to have sex in public, show a little consideration. A Lockport man and woman were arrested the other night in Outwater Park after police say they saw the couple having sex ON A PICNIC TABLE. Eeewwww! People eat off those tables! (Of course who in their right mind uses a picnic table at a public park and doesn’t use a tablecloth?)

This all happened after the park was closed. Thank goodness for that. According to the cops, they saw a suspicious car parked in the park, and when they turned on their spotlight, they spotted the show. So I’m thinking….if they had their car, why didn’t they just use the backseat? Maybe that’s too tacky. Picnic tables are much more elegant.

Anyway, after police stopped the couple mid-thrust, they charged them with public lewdness and loitering. The two horndogs were released without bail.

This does give a new meaning to “picnic basket”.

Nothing runs like a Deere

This one has almost everything we need for a good country song. We have a tractor, and we have a dumb thief. If only we had a woman who done somebody wrong.

And it comes to us from the police blotter in Amherst of all places. Police say they arrested the man who stole a lawn tractor after it DIED ON HIM while he was driving it away from the scene of the crime. It gets better. The owner saw his tractor being driven away, so he followed it. I mean, how fast can a lawn tractor go?

After it conked out, Bubba took off on foot…..and police say when they tracked him down to his house, WHICH IS JUST DOWN THE STREET, they found the key to the tractor in a garbage can. Good move!

The guy faces a pair of felony charges….and we’re just waiting for them to make another Dukes of Hazzard movie, so we can submit this for the plot.

So much for THAT rumor

Apparently that WASN’T Michael Vick spotted at the Buffalo Airport after all. Apparently everyone who passed along the rumor heard it from someone who heard it from someone who was actually in Philadelphia, not Buffalo.

So why did so many people pass along the rumor? And why did they pass it along so confidently, so sure it was true? Did they really believe that their friend’s buddy’s father’s ex-wife’s gardener’s cousin REALLY SAW MICHAEL VICK? And when they told you that their cousin’s neighbor’s uncle’s son works for the Bills and he says they’re signing Vick, did you really believe them?

Oh well, it was fun for a while. But we still have TO….and there are sure to be rumors about him too. In fact, a friend of mine already told me that his aunt’s boss’s cousin’s coach’s girlfriend is friends with this girl who’s a hooker and…..oh, never mind.

Quick, sign Vick!

Can the Buffalo Bills PLEASE just go ahead and sign Michael Vick so we can stop hearing all those “Vick was spotted at the Buffalo Airport” rumors.

Get real. Every person on the planet has a cellphone, and every cellphone on the planet has a built-in camera. Don’t you think if your buddy’s friend’s girlfriend’s cousin REALLY spotted Vick in Buffalo, he would have taken a picture and it would be all over the internet like the video of the old lady being tasered.

Oh and by the way, I saw Vick on Chippewa Street last night. Marshawn Lynch was driving him around.

Can they get it right this time?

I really hope this is the last time I’ll be writing about a Level 3 sex offender in Niagara County who’s making more moves than a contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance”.

Here’s the rundown. First, the state Division of Parole put the guy in a Niagara Falls motel that’s near an elementary school. Bad idea. Neighbors got mad, so the state moved him to a motel in North Tonawanda that’s even closer to a school….not to mention a daycare center. Worse idea.

So here’s the state’s solution. LET HIM FIND HIS OWN PLACE TO LIVE. The Division of Parole wants the guy to come up with a place, and then they’ll make sure it doesn’t violate his probation or any laws. Yeah, I have a lot of faith in them. The state has a law preventing Level 3 sex offenders from living near a school…and so far, the state Division of Parole is oh for two in following that law. They also managed to miss a local ordinance in North Tonawanda. But we can hope. Stay tuned.

A joint resolution?

Let’s face it, New York State politics can be boring. But if there were more people like Abigail Storm-Eggink, Albany would be a lot livelier.

Abigail may be the world’s only hippie lobbyist. She’s 58 years old, and she’s fighting for the legalization of marijuana. So she brought a pot plant into the Capitol. Good prop. Bad idea. She got arrested.

But you gotta admire her passion for the cause. Abigail and her husband Dan, who’s 71, have shown up at the Capitol every day for the past 10 weeks to argue their case. Why are they so hot about pot? They say it’s our right under the First Amendment. I’m not sure that’s what our founding fathers had in mind. But I’m pretty sure Bob Marley would have enjoyed hanging with these two.

Abigail is due in court Friday. Naturally, she plans to represent herself.

I can’t help but think if she had passed a few more of her plants around to our state lawmakers they might have done a better job with the budget.

Welcome to the neighborhood, part two

A few weeks ago we were happy to report that the state was moving a sex offender out of a halfway house that was near an elementary school in Niagara Falls. I have to admit, we were a little harsh on the decision to put him there in the first place. I believe I called the person responsible a bozo.

It turns out bozo is much too nice a word. When they moved him to a North Tonawanda motel, THEY PUT HIM EVEN CLOSER TO ANOTHER SCHOOL! Not only that, there’s a daycare center nearby. HELLO???? Did anyone ever think about maybe taking a drive through the neighborhood before dumping a sex offender there? A little common sense maybe?

The state has a law preventing level 3 sex offenders from living near a school. It’s a good law…it’s supposed to protect children. You’d think the folks at the state Division of Parole might follow it.

When we reported the move we said in a joking way that since we’re dealing with bureaucrats, the guy could end up near an amusement park. Advice to the folks at Fantasy Island: be on the lookout.

Hillary, change your channel

You just knew this was coming. When Bill Clinton became a hero for getting those American hostages out of North Korea, you just knew something was gonna happen with Hillary. She’s been quiet for so long….but now she’s back, and she’s bad.

The Secretary of State went bongo in the Congo when a question was translated incorrectly…..and it ended up asking her what her husband thought.

Is it wrong of me to use the B-word about Hillary? NOPE! She was bitchy. That’s the only way to describe it.

Now everyone is all “Oh, she was tired. She’s been to all these countries.” THAT’S HER JOB! She’s the Secretary of State. She lost her cool with a reporter. What if she was on the phone with Putin and he made some crack about Monica Lewinsky. If Hillary lost her cool then would we be bombing the Kremlin?

Imagine when Bill & Hillary finally talk again. She’d be like “Bill, it’s not fair. I do all this work and you swoop in on your white horse and rescue the hostages and get all the credit and you’re a hero and I’m nothing.” He’d be like, “Hill, chill. This is why people don’t like you. This is why you’re not president.”

Speaking of the president, what’s he thinking today? He probably thought making Hillary Secretary of State got her totally out of the way and he could concentrate on keeping Joe Biden muzzled.

But this channeling thing gives me an idea. Forget changing the channel…use the mute button on Hillary.

Satish Mo-Ran

Have you ever watched an Amherst Town Board meeting on cable? Apparently Town Supervisor Satish Mohan drives about as well as he governs.

Mohan is accused in a hit & run accident. According to Amherst Police, Mohan was trying to make a left turn FROM THE WRONG LANE at Main and Transit when his car hit another car….and after the little demolition derby, police say he drove off. So much for the good citizen thing…you know, stopping to exchange information.

The woman driving the other car wasn’t hurt. Mohan got a pair of traffic citations. By the way, he’s not running for re-election this year….so he’ll have plenty of time for traffic school.

5 minutes for stupidity

It’s the same old story. Local boy makes good, becomes sports star, makes lots of money, returns to hometown, gets in fight with cab driver over 20 cents, and gets arrested.

Okay so it’s not quite the same old story….but it’s a good one. When South Buffalo’s Patrick Kane became the number one pick in the NHL draft two years ago, we knew he’d make lots of headlines. We just didn’t expect one of them to be on a police blotter.

We’re not always surprised when a professional athlete gets arrested. Some of them are scuzbags, and when they get busted we get all high and mighty and say “I knew that was coming.” But this one was about as surprising as learning that Marshawn Lynch was teaching a safe driving course.

According to police, Kane and a cousin got a cab on Chippewa Street (naturally, that’s where athletes go to get stupid) and when the cabbie dropped them off, they punched him because when he told them he didn’t have 20 cents in change for them. 20 CENTS.

Kane actually spent a couple hours in jail before his arraignment. JAIL. That’s a lot different than the penalty box.

Look, hockey players are supposed to fight. But on the ice. And with other hockey players. Not with some cabbie who’s old enough to be his grandfather.

In case you’re wondering, Kane made $875,000 last year….so 20 cents is…..okay, you figure out the percentage yourself…but it’s really really really small. And this incident was really really really stupid.

2 Fast 2 Furious 2 Embarrassing

If you’ve ever had a car stolen, you know you can usually kiss it goodbye. And what are the odds that police will catch the guy that did it?

Well, Buffalo police probably are very happy one particular car thief was finally caught. That’s because he stole a police cruiser. A marked one. PARKED IN FRONT OF POLICE HEADQUARTERS.

It happened back in May, around 3:00 in the morning. Police did find the cruiser later that day, but not until it had been set on fire. Now a Town of Boston teenager is under arrest facing a whole bunch of charges.

By the way, in case you’re thinking how bold he must have been to hot wire a police car right in front of police headquarters….the red-faced boys in blue admit the keys might have been left in the car.

Disrobed & disgraced

I know, boys will be boys. If you’re going to have a guys-only convention, chances are you’re going to have prostitutes. Hookers and conventions go together like…well…hookers and conventions. And if you have to bring them in from out of state….what’s the big deal?

Well, when A RETIRED JUDGE is helping to make arrangements for the ladies of the evening to spend a few evenings with the guys….and he’s the one transporting them across state lines….and one of them happens to be AN ILLEGAL ALIEN…..now you’re talking about a big deal. Wouldn’t you think he might say “Guys, this is like against the law….I really shouldn't do this”.

That’s why the judge got the book thrown at him. Retired State Supreme Court Justice Ronald Tills was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Tills, who pleaded guilty, told the court he was embarrassed and ashamed. HE SHOULD BE. He was a judge. How many people he sent to prison did things that weren’t nearly this bad?

The prostitutes were brought in for the Buffalo chapter of the Royal Order of Jesters. Yes, those Jesters are a fun bunch.

By the way, Tills was known for his tough sentences when he was a judge. Lucky for him, he’s going to serve his time in a federal prison….so he probably won’t bump into anyone who might hold a grudge against him.

Hard-boiled criminals?

Apparently it was a slow day for crime in Chautauqua County. Four police agencies scrambled their forces to chase and arrest four guys who were driving around Jamestown throwing eggs at other cars. And it might not have been over easy without help from one of the victims.

A woman whose car was turned sunny side up by the bad guys decided she was no chicken….she turned her car around, chased the guys, and called 911 to let police know where they were headed. Faster than a three-minute egg, she had help. Jamestown and Ellicott police, New York State troopers, and Chautauqua County Sheriff’s deputies were in on the chase.

When they pulled the van over, the evidence was as plain as the yolk on your face…..inside, police reportedly found empty egg cartons along with a few eggs that missed out on the fun.

The four rotten eggs in the van, who are all from Jamestown, are charged with reckless endangerment and criminal mischief. It’s just too bad “Cops” didn’t have a crew in town for this one.

Take a little off the top

How many times have you wanted to have your barber arrested for giving you a bad haircut? A Niagara County barber got himself clipped by the cops because he wasn’t happy with his customer.

He’s accused of slapping a 23-month-old boy who kept turning his head during a haircut. Barbers know when they’re giving a child a haircut it’s not always easy to get the kid to sit still….but a smack on the head?

The little guy’s father says first the barber yelled at him and the toddler in Italian (an Italian barber….how unusual) and then slapped the kid on the back of the head. The barber is charged with harassment and endangering the welfare of a child.

We’re just relieved he wasn’t giving someone a shave when things got hairy.

Ssssssssstupid!

Snakes on a Plane was a really bad movie. Snakes on a bridge is a really bad idea….when that bridge crosses an international border.

Customs officials aren’t usually surprised when they catch someone trying to smuggle things across the bridges between WNY and Canada. But how’d you like to be the inspector at the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge who caught a guy with FOUR POISONOUS SNAKES hidden in the lining of his jacket? “Do you have anything to declare….and what’s that rattle I hear?” The guy also had six tree frogs….because you know, snakes get hungry.

So why did he try to slither across the border? There was this reptile show and he didn’t have the proper paperwork to carry the creatures legally. The permit, by the way, would have cost $60. He was fined a thousand bucks. The snakes and frogs were confiscated. The smuggler was released. We hope he realizes he’s lucky he was busted and not bitten.

Boozy brawl busts

Call this one a Chautauqua County version of West Side Story, only instead of the Jets and the Sharks you have the Dunkirk Dudes and the Fredonia Freaks, and instead of Maria you have two Brocton girls who invited a bunch of guys who don’t get along to an underage drinking party.

So you just know it had to end up this way. Fights break out, one guy threatens people with a knife, another gets a fractured skull when he’s hit in the head with a board….and three dudes end up being arrested.

Apparently when it comes to proper drinking party etiquette in Chautauqua County, you don’t mix Dunkirk & Fredonia factions….they go together about as well as gin and coke.
This could have all been prevented if the girls had just contacted Miss Manners before sending out their invitations.

Easy case to crack

You know how when you say or do something really stupid, someone often asks you whether you’re smoking crack? Well, this guy really was…..and it was really, really stupid.

The “dumb druggie of the day” story comes to us from Buffalo, where police arrested a man last night after they caught him smoking crack near the Botanical Gardens.

But that’s not even the dumb part. Nope, cops couldn’t help but notice that Einstein was driving a pickup truck WITHOUT LICENSE PLATES! He now faces a drug charge and a traffic violation.

Have a heart!

So here’s something you don’t see too often in a police report. Someone stole a bunch of pacemakers from a car in Newfane. That’s right, pacemakers. The car’s owner told sheriff’s deputies they were among about $40,000 worth of medical supplies which were swiped.

Let’s face it, some medical supplies are hot items on the street. There are plenty of buyers for things like hypodermic needles, or any drug imaginable. But pacemakers?

Can’t you just see your neighborhood dealer selling them on the black market? “Yo, dude….get your grandma a ticker picker-upper”.

Tiger gives audience a whiff

He who smelled it, dealt it. The most searched-for clip on Google today is Tiger Woods breaking wind (not with his club) at the Buick Open. It would have been first on Youtube also but the PGA did not find it so funny, and threatened lawsuits if it wasn't removed. It's okay though; you can still find the best version on TMZ.com. It's really, really funny.

The nearby cameras picked up the butt thunder (it was super loud) and before you could say "what's that smell" it was all over the internet. The video shows Woods stop on the green, do the old dog leg shake trick, and then you hear the thunder roll. The muffle trick didn't work so well.

The best part of the whole thing was after he released his backdoor breeze, Tiger and his caddy started laughing about it. I guess no matter how famous or grown up someone is, a fart will always be something to giggle about. This totally cries out for smellivision.

F-Bombs Away!

Keep it PG. That’s what neighbors of a skate park in the City of Tonawanda are saying to swearing skateboarders.

The skate park is next to a children’s playground in Ives Pond Park. That means kids who aren’t even potty trained are hearing potty-mouthed skaters….and their parents are pretty ticked off about it.

One mom said she heard the F-word more than 30 times in one half hour, just from one kid. That’s once a minute! You’d expect that from a biker or a Seth Rogen movie role….but a kid? Even worse, she says when she went over and asked them to keep it clean, they told her to….well, let’s just say they used the same word.

So she called the cops, and the kids did dial it down after a visit from the police. Now the city is looking into whether the skate park can be moved further away from the playground, just to give them a better buffer.

In the meantime, we can only hope the skaters do a 180 on the language thing.

Snarky knocks ‘em out!

I realize skunks aren’t known for martial arts skills (unlike kangaroos) but I happen to be a big fan of kickboxing. Saturday night I got the chance to hang out at the “Downtown Throwdown” in Lockport, and I might have been a bigger hit than the fights. Even the fighters were my fans.

“GETTING A KICK OUT OF SNARKY”

I didn’t serve in the military (because of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Smell”) but I support our troops.

“SALUTE TO SNARKY”

I’m also a big hit with the ladies.

“BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST?”

I even got the red carpet treatment….with a twist.

“ROYAL FLUSH”

Lots of other folks wanted to have their pictures taken with me. I’ve put them on my facebook page if you want to check out Snarky’s night out.

Who checks the check-out person?

Wouldn’t you think places like Sam’s Club, which checks our receipts so carefully when we leave the store to make sure we haven’t stolen a year’s supply of toilet paper, would do a better job of checking on its own employees?

A cashier at the Sam’s Club in Niagara Falls has been arrested for dipping into the till. And she did a lot of dipping. According to the police, Ms. Sticky Fingers pocketed $3,500 in cash over six months…at the rate of $25 per shift.

But someone finally caught on, and she was caught. She’s now charged with grand larceny….and we are fairly confident she won’t be getting any “employee of the month” awards.

Bats, balls, & bozos

I have to admit, when I hear the word “rabies”, it does get my attention. But I’m not sure whether this story should focus on the potential for a case of rabies, or a real case of stupidity.

Some bozo at the Bisons game Tuesday was seen handling a bat. Yes, the kind that flies, not the kind used to hit a fly ball.

Why anyone would do that is beyond me….but then again, I do have some common sense. At any rate, the health department wants to find the idiot and anyone else who might have had contact with the bat so they can get rabies shots. That’s because the critter wasn’t caught and tested….so you have to assume it could be rabid. (I really don’t like that word)

In case you were at the game, the moron was sitting in section 116. The good news is, while the shots are painful they will prevent rabies. Unfortunately, there’s no vaccine for stupidity.